scared out of my mind because of a chapter in a book

ok, two posts in one day... meh, it's important to me, and that's all that matters

Ok, I'm reading this book called, Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher. It's a good book so far, but I just read a chapter in it that literally put fear into my own heart. Fear of it happening to me...
If you have happened to read this book, It's Chapter 28.

To keep it breif and unrevealed... Two women have been captured and are basically being "trained" to be slaves. Well, after one has been screwed by a bunch of guys, she is placed back in the holding area. The "master" was watching the entire time with the other woman telling her that that is going to happen to her. Well, the first woman, was faking fear and all that, too keep it less brutal... but then the Master dude gets this special collar out... and the first woman panics for real. To finish this real quick like, The collar is a training collar, and so long as you do what you are told, you get feelings of pleasure... but if you resist anything you are told to do, immense pain goes throughout your body... until you do what you're told.

Now, as I am reading this, I can feel anxiety building up inside of me. I can still feel that anxiety inside... and it scares me.

I am planning on becoming a woman... what if this happens to me... (i doubt it does... but still... what if)

i keep getting these images in my head of this... and feeling the fear from it all...

I am doing a lot to not cry right now... it's truly that scary for me. and i keep looking over my shoulder...

i'm scared of this.

Worse and Worse

Wow, I bet you are thinking, "damn, first she is happy, then she is sad, then she is happy again, then she is sad again" and so on...

Why do I think that? because i know that it's true. I keep doing this, I post a happy, woo hoo kind of post, then i post one like the one i am about to do. and for all of that, I apologize

Now, onto the depressing post.

Well, I made one phone call today, and it turned my day worse. Monday, is really when this horrible week started.

On Monday, I got this letter from my college, telling me I owe them 500 some odd dollars! I thought it was a mistake and so I took it to an Advisor and they told me to go and talk with the business office. I go to the business office and they tell me i should talk to Financial Aid... So I go and talk with Financial Aid. It turns out, I have to pay that because I Dropped a course, and they had already given me my financial Aid money... Oh, and did i mention that they want me to pay them 181$ by sunday... i'm only getting about 160ish$ ... ... yeah, not fun.

Now, Today, I called (basically) the Welfare Office to see if i could get my bum into government housing, and get away from my house and whatnot... talk about your epic disasters... the only office taking any kind of application is one county over... not to mention it closes today at 4:pm... and I don't have access to a fax machine, to fax them anything anyways.

Just freaking wonderful.

so to end this,

I can't Drop out of school, for they would have me pay every penny back that i got.
I can't Stay in school, because they would make me pay every penny they are charging me
I can't Fail, for they would have me pay back every penny that i got
I can't pass, because it's all to freaking stressful to be able to do so
I can't Move out of my dad's house, because i can't afford to
AND I can't Stay living with my dad, because he can't seem to accept me for me.

UGH!!!

i wish this could be a happy post

, but it can't be.

My dad, the person i thought was my hero for accepting me so well, never accepted it in the first place. He told me today, when the discussion came up, that he has lost the will to live, thanks to me. and whenever i do finally begin my transition, he is going to completely disown me, 110%. He pulled out the whole bit with God, and how God doesn't make mistakes, but when i tried to put in the chance, the bloody chance, that God purpsofully made me this way, Purposfully made me Transgendered, he wouldn't listen to me. The worst of it all is, i have no physical support now. all my friends seem to be out of reach... all of the ones i could've trusted, and the ones that i can't trust now, i'm sure are bored hoping for a phone call from somebody.

Right now, i just want to die.