keeping you updated since 2008

Hey all, i know i said i would do my best to update you all at least a little bit, and i also know, that i'm not doing a very good job of that. a post now and then isn't much of an update. but i am going to continue to try to do my best with that.

anyway, i had a point to this post and it's coming up soon.

I decided to go back and read some of my past posts, just to see what all i had said, ya know? Well i read this on my last post of 2008

well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.

That last part, that i bolded is what i want you to look at. I did have plans to be so much more open about who i am, after i told my father. but when it went to hell in a handbasket, as it were, my plans for that kinda flew away. i am trying to renew that sense of self in it, but honestly, the only time i actually feel a bit more confident is when i at least have one item of feminine clothing on. easier said then done... more on that later though. it's just really hard to be yourself when you have no support system at home...

whatever.. that's what i wanted to point out specifically, now what i just want to ramble on about for a bit.

Last night, like a lot of nights, i went out to walmart around midnight or so, and walked around trying to figure out what to get... issue is, i had like 24$ in the bank... that's it. well, that gave me a big issue... here i am, a girl shopping for whatever, with barely any cash to work with. so i start browse the ladies sleepwear section, interesting things there, but nothing i could really afford, i had decided on giving myself 10 dollars, and everything was one item for 10$ and i wanted to get a set. i found some interesting things but nothing i could really use. because yet again it was one item, not 2. so i pretty much gave up on that. well just the other side of sleepwear is intimates... *wink wink*. I decided to see what i could find there, obviously they dont have any bra in the size i need, because i am such a weird size. i give up on that too.. then i turned around and my eyes lit up, i'm sure. an entire rack of sports bras they have bigger sizes, still not mine, but bigger none the less. it took me until around 12:40ish in the morning to find one i could live with, and even then it shouldn't have. the one i got was about 3 bucks cheaper then the others. well i couldn't contain my excitement to wait to put it on, i got into my car and my shirt and jacket was off in a flash! and i was trying to put this bra on, it took me a lot longer then it really should've but i got it on in the end, it was different for me, it wasn't nearly as binding and restrictive as my other bras, and it was just so much more comfy to me. it barely shows through my shirt even!

i was thinking of a way i could wear it in public, but the only thing i can think of, is well... wearing my jacket for an entire day, all zipped up, not the most comfortable thing in the world.

anyway, i'm rambling a bit to much, i'll try to close this off in just one minute.

the last thing i want to say is, when i got home and got my shirt off, i looked in the mirror, and i didn't see myself, but myself. there was a kind of femininity showing in my eyes, and i was seeing it.

whatever... oh and sorry about the post that i deleted, just in case somebody saw that, it was an accidental post of an incomplete thoughts in it. and i just didn't feel right leaving it up.

ok, i'll post something possibly later.

Toodles!

*generic happy title not found*

This is the first time I've been this excited and happy in soo long.

Well, Tuesday, i realized that i needed a new pair of Drab guy shoes. So I go to wal-mart and take about 20 minutes to finally pick a pair i can live with. I then proceeded to look at the time. it was after 10pm! now, i've been in wal-mart(wally world) many times before much later then that. But not recently, with money to spare. so i meander into the ladies section of shoes, and my first instinct is to try on a pair, but because i'm just not comfy with doing that, I just browse while thinking of some sort of excuse (cuz i'm a wuss like that) just incase i get caught. well, seeing as how i didn't know my exact size, i checked out of wally world in a flash.

well, tonight, i go back into wally world nearly on a mission. I had looked online for a size measuring thing or whatever and it said i was like a 12 and a half wide in women's size. *shrug* so there i am hunting wally world's ladies shoe section, looking for at least a size 12... no luck at all. then i think Well.... i might be able to squeeze into an 11... So I find a size 11 i can live with, it's a cute wedge shoe with maybe a 1" heel on it. I buy that and a small package of Thigh High stockings *woot*. well, curiosity got the better of me by the time i made it out to my car. I get in and i just have to try it on! I nearly panicked when it fit! perfectly! Well, i just couldn't help myself (apparently I love shoes!). So putting my drab shoes back on, i go back into wally world talking to myself on my cell phone. I hunted down another pair of shoes (this time with a 3" heel, taller then i wanted but i couldn't pass it up) I also bought a shoehorn and a kinda cheesy Tinkerbell Purse of a thing. ...

I got back out to my car (probably faster then i had the first time) and almost yank my shoes off to try on the new pair! I'll admit, they are snug, but they do fit. and it is more difficult for me to walk in them then i thought it would be, but as soon as i can(sooner rather then later) i am going to be practicing walking in them. I love them soo much! At home, after my dad goes to bed, i am kicking my socks off and i am going to be putting these taller heels on!

I would be the first to admit that I don't need to be any taller, but there is just something about a good pair of high heels that makes a woman feel great! I hope that eventually i'll be able to wear them any time i want, and then after that, be able to walk in higher ones! like maybe a 4-5 incher!

that is all for now! I'll post later!... ... ... maybe...

I'm alive

Hello my dear readers

I know that my last post left some of you extremely worried about me. Trust me on that, I have the emails to prove it. *giggles* I want you all to know, I was never considering suicide. I was in a position that made me want to die, not kill myself. If death had come to me, I wouldn't have fought back though, ya know?

My father's decision to disown me when I stop being his son, is his decision and not mine. But that doesn't reduce the shock I got from it. I know somebody who was disowned by his father. He was basically blindsided by it. (is that the right word...) But for me, I know exactly when my father is going to disown me. He can live with me being his son and so long as I am his son, I am still part of the family(from his perspective). But the second, and I mean the second, I stop being a "son" to him. That's it! I am out of the family. I am no longer a *****(last name censored for my protection...sorry)****. And I will go with the 2nd middle name I had picked out for my last name. So my name in the future(i hope) will be, Danielle Hope Calypso. I know I could go with my Mom's last name, or even her maiden name, but, to be perfectly honest, I don't think she would like that. I'll have to ask her 'bout that.

Anyway, there isn't much news now... just that i really hope to one day(very soon, like before my b-day soon) move out. I have realized that I can't live with my father anymore. Period.

Oh yeah, School started up again. So for my future posts, expect a lot about the stresses of school...if I even post a lot about it...

That's about it for now...

The buzz

Wow, this blog is gathering a small following... it's strange for me. Usually, the things I do online or IRL go, unnoticed. It's one of the reasons I became so insecure about everything I do. But, now, there are real life people telling me such kind things. At first I thought, Oh, these people are just blowing smoke up my bum. But as I read some of the comments and read into life just a bit more, I've come to realize that not everyone in this horrible, hate-filled world are out to get me. How surprising is that?

Anyway.

At first I didn't have much of a point to this blog entry, but as I started writing it I thought of a few things, more self-reflections then anything.

I started thinking about some *cough* not all, of the blogs I follow. Thinking about how far along some of these beautiful women are in their transition. And thinking of the extremely difficult task of getting even remotely close to where they are. I don't know how these girls are doing it. Government Grant? Insurance? Long time saving up money? What? And with that, I wonder, How am I going to do this? How am I going to get the money to go 70 some odd miles away to see a specialist who focuses in Transgendered people? How am I going to get the money to afford any of the things needed for my Transition? New Wardrobe, Hormones, any surgeries, repairs from haters. There isn't a Transgendered community where I live. At least nothing publicly known. So I can't even get the basic knowledge from people who have gone or are going to go through the same exact thing I will be going through... someday.

With that thought, I will finish this up... I may post again later today, I may not. *shrugs* Who knows?