Thursday, January 29, 2009

*generic happy title not found*

This is the first time I've been this excited and happy in soo long.

Well, Tuesday, i realized that i needed a new pair of Drab guy shoes. So I go to wal-mart and take about 20 minutes to finally pick a pair i can live with. I then proceeded to look at the time. it was after 10pm! now, i've been in wal-mart(wally world) many times before much later then that. But not recently, with money to spare. so i meander into the ladies section of shoes, and my first instinct is to try on a pair, but because i'm just not comfy with doing that, I just browse while thinking of some sort of excuse (cuz i'm a wuss like that) just incase i get caught. well, seeing as how i didn't know my exact size, i checked out of wally world in a flash.

well, tonight, i go back into wally world nearly on a mission. I had looked online for a size measuring thing or whatever and it said i was like a 12 and a half wide in women's size. *shrug* so there i am hunting wally world's ladies shoe section, looking for at least a size 12... no luck at all. then i think Well.... i might be able to squeeze into an 11... So I find a size 11 i can live with, it's a cute wedge shoe with maybe a 1" heel on it. I buy that and a small package of Thigh High stockings *woot*. well, curiosity got the better of me by the time i made it out to my car. I get in and i just have to try it on! I nearly panicked when it fit! perfectly! Well, i just couldn't help myself (apparently I love shoes!). So putting my drab shoes back on, i go back into wally world talking to myself on my cell phone. I hunted down another pair of shoes (this time with a 3" heel, taller then i wanted but i couldn't pass it up) I also bought a shoehorn and a kinda cheesy Tinkerbell Purse of a thing. ...

I got back out to my car (probably faster then i had the first time) and almost yank my shoes off to try on the new pair! I'll admit, they are snug, but they do fit. and it is more difficult for me to walk in them then i thought it would be, but as soon as i can(sooner rather then later) i am going to be practicing walking in them. I love them soo much! At home, after my dad goes to bed, i am kicking my socks off and i am going to be putting these taller heels on!

I would be the first to admit that I don't need to be any taller, but there is just something about a good pair of high heels that makes a woman feel great! I hope that eventually i'll be able to wear them any time i want, and then after that, be able to walk in higher ones! like maybe a 4-5 incher!

that is all for now! I'll post later!... ... ... maybe...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I'm alive

Hello my dear readers

I know that my last post left some of you extremely worried about me. Trust me on that, I have the emails to prove it. *giggles* I want you all to know, I was never considering suicide. I was in a position that made me want to die, not kill myself. If death had come to me, I wouldn't have fought back though, ya know?

My father's decision to disown me when I stop being his son, is his decision and not mine. But that doesn't reduce the shock I got from it. I know somebody who was disowned by his father. He was basically blindsided by it. (is that the right word...) But for me, I know exactly when my father is going to disown me. He can live with me being his son and so long as I am his son, I am still part of the family(from his perspective). But the second, and I mean the second, I stop being a "son" to him. That's it! I am out of the family. I am no longer a *****(last name censored for my protection...sorry)****. And I will go with the 2nd middle name I had picked out for my last name. So my name in the future(i hope) will be, Danielle Hope Calypso. I know I could go with my Mom's last name, or even her maiden name, but, to be perfectly honest, I don't think she would like that. I'll have to ask her 'bout that.

Anyway, there isn't much news now... just that i really hope to one day(very soon, like before my b-day soon) move out. I have realized that I can't live with my father anymore. Period.

Oh yeah, School started up again. So for my future posts, expect a lot about the stresses of school...if I even post a lot about it...

That's about it for now...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

i wish this could be a happy post

, but it can't be.

My dad, the person i thought was my hero for accepting me so well, never accepted it in the first place. He told me today, when the discussion came up, that he has lost the will to live, thanks to me. and whenever i do finally begin my transition, he is going to completely disown me, 110%. He pulled out the whole bit with God, and how God doesn't make mistakes, but when i tried to put in the chance, the bloody chance, that God purpsofully made me this way, Purposfully made me Transgendered, he wouldn't listen to me. The worst of it all is, i have no physical support now. all my friends seem to be out of reach... all of the ones i could've trusted, and the ones that i can't trust now, i'm sure are bored hoping for a phone call from somebody.

Right now, i just want to die.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The buzz

Wow, this blog is gathering a small following... it's strange for me. Usually, the things I do online or IRL go, unnoticed. It's one of the reasons I became so insecure about everything I do. But, now, there are real life people telling me such kind things. At first I thought, Oh, these people are just blowing smoke up my bum. But as I read some of the comments and read into life just a bit more, I've come to realize that not everyone in this horrible, hate-filled world are out to get me. How surprising is that?


At first I didn't have much of a point to this blog entry, but as I started writing it I thought of a few things, more self-reflections then anything.

I started thinking about some *cough* not all, of the blogs I follow. Thinking about how far along some of these beautiful women are in their transition. And thinking of the extremely difficult task of getting even remotely close to where they are. I don't know how these girls are doing it. Government Grant? Insurance? Long time saving up money? What? And with that, I wonder, How am I going to do this? How am I going to get the money to go 70 some odd miles away to see a specialist who focuses in Transgendered people? How am I going to get the money to afford any of the things needed for my Transition? New Wardrobe, Hormones, any surgeries, repairs from haters. There isn't a Transgendered community where I live. At least nothing publicly known. So I can't even get the basic knowledge from people who have gone or are going to go through the same exact thing I will be going through... someday.

With that thought, I will finish this up... I may post again later today, I may not. *shrugs* Who knows?

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Today went so well, it was actually the best day i've had in months!
I've actually been happy all day today.

What pretty much happened was me and my dad went into my counselors office, they gabbed for a few, after a brief intro to something that may come as a shock, i said "Dad, I'm transgendered." But it wasn't a shock to him, I think he knew the entire time.

For anyone seeing a counselor who really wants to tell somebody in your family, but doesn't know how they will react and is afraid of that possibility of a bad reaction. Take that person in to see your counselor. If you live with that person, just say that your counselor wants to see them to talk about things going on around the house. Take that person in, and don't hesitate when you tell them!

I feel as though a 2 ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders! and I just feel so phenomenally good!

Let me also say this, i nearly cried when my dad was taking this shocking news so wonderfully. the only reason i didn't is because I hate it when people see me crying. i really do.

That is all for now, loves! I'll, hopefully, be posting soon about how things go tomorrow night at an old friends house...

The day

Today is the day that could make my life wonderful or horrible.

Today is the day that I tell my 70 year old father that I am transgendered. If I don't post how things went by tonight or early tomorrow morning it means it went bad. Really really bad. Otherwise I am 100% certain I will let everyone know how it went.

Gaining my fathers acceptance will be one of the biggest steps in my transgendered life. other then getting on Hormones...eventually. *giggles*

Wish me luck for today.