Monday, December 29, 2008

Year in review, sorta

2nd semester of college, fun all in all, made a great friend or 2.
(ok, my exact memory of school is really really bad, i'm sorry.)anyway, throughout the second semester of college I realized that i had a really good friend. or two...
near the end of that semester, sometime in late april or early may, i finally connected my crossdressing with being completly different then most people, with being transgendered.

i noticed differences with my body, and it was getting me extremely depressed, i was failing some of my classes, and so on. well, that got me thinking, why am i different then most people. OH, that's right i have something, down there, that doesn't belong! yeah, i felt wrong in my own body, but i had nobody in the world i could talk with. not my friends, not my family, nobody!

Well, one day, my friend, noticed how depressed i was, and started probing me on what it was. it took a few hours for her to figure it out but she did, and she took it very well, considering she was Christian, and followed God's teachings.

It turned out though, that she wasn't the only one worried about me. My english Teacher was too, because it was my second time taking the course and i was failing it too! she suggested i go to somebody on campus to talk about my issues or to get somewhere and talk about my issues. Well i went to him, and he suggest a counseling center. Problem! it would take 4 weeks or so just to be screened! BUT! they have crisis counselors, and while i couldn't open up to him, i did get suggested to my current counselor.

well, that summer, I was put in a difficult situation. My friend was working and so i couldn't really talk with her, and since i only saw my counselor once a week, that wasn't too helpful. and that was the first time i was extremely serious about killing myself. simply because how alone i felt. When i finally talked with my friend about this, she helped me and pulled me out of this hate.

then on my birthday, it happened again! and my friend pulled me out of it, again! she was at this time, my best friend. and i loved her like a sister. but something was changing in her, she pretty much grew distant from everyone.

well, when school started back up again in the fall, i realized that my best friend wasn't much of a friend anymore. i didn't understand what it was nor did i understand why she was doing the things she was doing. but whatever.

and i was having trouble with only one friend. luckily, i was on the fast track to trusting a few people. ^_^ I told my sister, i told my brother, i told my mother, and i even told people outside my family! and each time i told people that i was transgendered, i felt better! and more comfortable.

well as this past semester went on, i got depressed, i was losing my best friend. and that was one thing i didn't want. that and i was hating my body more and more. this depression was worse though because i was actually failing my classes! that's not something i usually do!

well late november, i lost my faith with God, and i not only blamed my best friend for this, i blamed her family, the church, my family, heck i probably blamed the world at that point. well, it was then that my best friend, the person i loved like a fucking sister, Gave up on me! I have been trying to figure out why she did this for the past month now, and i still don't fucking know!

well, then on the 4th of December, a person i knew committed suicide. you wanna talk about something hard to understand, try to figure out why a person committed suicide, when you barely knew them. trust me, it's tough!

well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.

Since today is December 31st, i would like to say, Happy New Years to all of you out there who were willing to read through this jumbled mess that has been my year.

Oh, and please wish me luck when i tell my dad about me! i think he is going to have a hard time with it. so any advice would be awesome as well. I really don't know how i'm going to tell him. and right now, i'm going to just come out and tell him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What i realized i want for chrismas

a boy/girlfriend.

I shouldn't be home alone right now, i should be snuggled up with my(to keep it simple i will use boy) boyfriend. But i dont have one.

The only advantage i have right now, being alone, is i can feel super feminine! even without cute shoes! because i dont have any! oh well! i still feel great!

but i bet you if i had this boyfriend i keep thinking of, he would make me feel even better! i probably wouldn't even have to dress up as much then!

something i have realized as well! Boobs make the woman! at least if you look like me! I dont have boobs, but even with a stuffed bra i feel great. at least compared without stuffing! of course it's making me question how large of breasts it's going to take to truely make me happy. well, i know this i would settle for a B cup right now.

but that's just my dreams i guess. and for now, it's going to have to stay there.

My Attention was Grabbed

somebody sent me a comment here telling me... ok, suggesting to me, that i be sure to spend that "special ;)" time with women as well as men. and the reason that comment peaked my interest was, i've been told before, and during my realizations about myself, i realized that there are aspects about men i love and aspects about women i love. Honestly, i wish i could have both easily, but alas, i'm not that good of a people person.

before i would fantasize men so often, i would always always always fantasize about women, but lets just say they were always the man in the relationship. (to put it bluntly) when i fantasize in the more sexual way, in all of my fantasies, i dont do any penetrating. and every time i try to fantasize that way, it just doesn't work. make sense?

that alone, now that i think about it, make me wonder (as a guy) does that make me gay? or does the fact that women can be and are often involved in these fantasies, just make me bi?
I dont know...

Sorry for my bluntness there, i just couldn't think of a way to beat around the bush with that one.

anyway, i hope you all are ready for the holiday here in just a day or so.
I know i'm going to enjoy it! My dad is going over to my grandma's and giving the house to me! i can guarantee that i'm going to dress up all pretty for a christmas gift to myself! Now, if only i had a good pair of heels! lol.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I don't know

My counselor, the other day, raised an interesting question for when i tell my father about me.

Who am I attracted to? Gender wise?

Right now, it's both. but what about after i transition?

I know that most parents would prefer to at least have a straight child... in relation to their original gender. but i really dont know what's going to happen.

I'm starting to wonder if i should, for now, lie to him about this? maybe... just maybe... i should tell him that i am attracted to women only, but i don't want to be a man. and then tell him on a later date, like maybe after i start dressing more femininely, how i am beginning to notice guys more.

there are currently certain aspects of men that, omg, is soo hot!
and there are currently aspects of women, that is extremely hot.

and, like, when i fantasize about something like a dream winter date. It's always me with a man. like, for example, around noon, we go out to lunch. I'm wearing nearly skin tight pants (i dont know why, i look horrible in them) and a good winter coat with fur around the edge of the hood and sleeves. My boots are really cute, white kinda fur like thing. Underneath my coat, i have on a kind of turtleneck sweatshirt, also white. I eat something light and he(i never know who he is, just that he is hot) has something like a hamburger or something. During lunch, we have idle chit-chat about all sorts of things. Photography, is something i bring up all the time. and i talk about some shoots i did recently. After lunch when it's time to go, i put my coat back on, and after he pays for the food, we take off, but not for either of our homes. towards the park! ( i dont know what town we are in but it offers carriage rides year round) He planned a carriage ride around the park!
So, i get in the carriage, and he is quick to follow me, after we got started i noticed a chill running through me. He sees me shiver a little and places his arm around me and pulls me close! I get warm quickly from that. and during the entire ride, not a word is said, he just holds me nice and close, and i feel secure. When the ride is done, it's only around 2ish so we go to a museum, and wander the halls there for a hour or 2. we discuss certain things about how gender is this and that, and how certain aspects of certain works of art is good or bad. and so on.
After that. he decided to take me ice skating, i'm not even going to say how many times i feel on my bum. well it was beginning to get dark and since we walked everywhere all day long, and it was snowing all day long as well (cars couldn't drive around) and I lived closer to where we currently were.
After we got to where i lived, i decided to start a fire in the fireplace and put on some hot water for hot chocolate! so yummy! after the fire gets going i bring the hot chocolate and we pretty much curl up next to this fire and he just holds me again.

Ok, long as hell, i know and i also know it's a big cliche but i can't help my mind.
i only put this because i wanted a record for myself more then anything.

and the point of all that was showing what was in my mind for my future. Men! or at least a Man. Sorry for the length of it all.

Do you have any suggestions for me? know that my father is very old fashioned

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Ok, so i'm already nervous. since i'm actually planning when i am going to tell my father, my old fashioned father, about me, it has me extremely nervous.

I feel like it may not be the best idea for me to do... but i'm still going to. because i'm so sick and tired of not being able to be open with him. and sick and tired of keeping so many things secret from him.

ok... not much of an update, but there you go, that's all there is right now

Friday, December 12, 2008

a little info

Ok, so, i've been thinking, in all my blogs and all my backgrounds i have never put up my personal background. at least my background for being TG

My earliest memory of feeling different from the other boys was, i think i was six years old, and i remember running out to my mom from my bedroom. This was before my parents split. But, i would always cuddle up with my mom because, hey, i was six and i love my mommy. well, i ran up and i got all nestled in next to her, and after a few minutes i remember flat out telling my mom, "Mom[my], i think i was supposed to be born a girl." Now, at that time i thought it was because i had long eyelashes... weird but true... and yet it's what i said.

After that i have no real memories like that, but i remember cross dressing, oh boy, do i remember the first time i cross dressed. granted at that time i was a thief... aren't we all at that point... well, honestly, the first time i cross dressed, was a bra... very simple. a black bra.. nothing fancy. but i felt so alive! this one bra opened up a whole new world to me.

I started attempting to make my own clothes, out of old male clothes that i had.. not the best job looking back, but still, it worked at the time, and boy it all felt so natural.

well, after years of hiding all my clothes that i had gathered, most stolen or made out of old clothes, i told my mother that i cross-dressed. she wasn't the happiest person about it all... but she still loved me.

Well, a few months after that i realized wow, i really am a cross-dresser. NBD though. so i built up the courage to tell my sister! and she took it relativly well, considering it was just a few days before my high school graduation, and she was just visiting me for that alone.

ok, so then i go to college, and i meet people who would later on become awesoem friends... i even met my past best friend. and it was my once best friend who was the very first to find out that i'm transgendered and felt discomfort with my body as a male!

She turned out to be my very first true friend but not the last. eventually i got the courage to tell others. and so far they have all been accepting of me. My counselor, has been extremely helpful for me, and during some of my rougher patches she helped me a lot.

Of course so did my once best friend... she helped me through a lot more... she even stopped me from killing my self in a pretty gruesome way once or twice... of course now that she gave up on trying to help me... she is no longer a friend for me... she has no intentions to helping me. God, i wish she hadn't given up on me.

anyway, that's my past in a nutshell... and i hope there aren't too many typos in there. ^_^ oh, and just so you know i was giving you the facts not the emotions involved... there is a lot i left out if you include that.

Ok, now for news... i don't remember if i posted this in my previous entry... so if not i'm going to here, and if so, here it is again. On January 8th, 2009, i am going to be telling my father about me... i dont know exactly how i will... but i will... i'm bringing him in to see my counselor... so that way it's a more controlled environment. that's all there is really... oh i did fail all my classes in college, and so i'm going on academic warning. i really really need to pass my classes next semester.

that's all for now!
Much Love

Monday, December 8, 2008


Ok, so here's what's up sorta.

I'm going to start this with who knows in my family and who doesn't.

My Sister was the first person in my family who i told, she, as far as i know, thinks no differently of me, except now instead of a younger brother she has a younger sister.

Then I told my brother, He was more interested in it then my sister, but kept the same attitude, he thinks nothing differently of me. and he asked questions out the wazoo.

then i built up the courage to tell my mother. tell her that her little boy doesn't want to be a boy. yippie for her, huh? well, i sense that she doesn't like it at all, but she still loves me like a mother should, ya know?

Now all i have left to tell is my dad, he is going to be the hardest out of my family on account of how old fashioned he is. but there's a good chance that he already knows... and if he does... welll... then all's good then. i'm planning on telling him the 8th of January, 2009.

That is the family that knows about me.

Hey, Hey, Hey!

Yeah, i know "Danie! Why another blog?! Don't you have enough?!"

well yes i do have enough, but i wanted one more. because this one is going to be used to track my transition. whenever it begins. so for now expect a lot of coming out posts... First Step Baby!