nope. i'm still here :(

I'm going to just have to ask everyone's forgiveness for not posting anything about what's going on. let's just say, life for me sucks right now.

I know in one of my latest posts I mentioned that i had gotten a job, at least i think i said that. Well incase i didn't put where i was working, it was at Denny's. After about 3 weeks of that, i quit the job. yeah, it wasn't working out for me. there was one manager there who was a royal freaking bitch. but that's a long story i don't really want to get into.

So for about 2 weeks after that i was staying with a friend. it was awesome, i actually got to feel comfortable. which for me, is rare. well, she wound up kicking me out because i didn't have a job. how freaking wonderful. and i had even been searching for one too! so this past week i was sleeping for one night at a friend's another four nights at a friend's house from church, then thursday and friday nights, i was sleeping in my blasted car. all because for some bloody reason, i can't sleep at home!

my home doesn't feel like home anymore.

on the upside, i did get another job, this time at an allsups, i pray to God that this job works out for me.

I need the money to be able to move out!

anyway, you could say that i hate how my life is going right now... hell, i am.

Not yet dead

it's true!

I've just been soo freaking busy i don't even really have time for me anymore. :(

but I'm alive and kicking. brief news, i got a job, as a server at a local 24hr restaurant, and my manager says i'm doing a really good job, and i'm even getting compliments from my tables! sadly i'm not getting any of the tips because i'm still in training, but whatever! point of all of that is that i have a job.

nuff said.

much love
Danielle

P.S. I'll try to keep everyone posted a bit more

... title... well, it's good.

Let me start off by saying right now, i feel extremely beautiful!

I have the house to myself for the next 3 days! My father is off watching over my 96 year old grandmother. she had a fall... and i'm praying for her.
Anyway! Since i have school, i obvously can't dress pretty all the time, but once i'm out of school for the day, and i get home...! I get to dress up! and feel wonderful! i'm even giving myself a chance to play a little with makeup! I just wish i had somebody to teach me how. mainly because right now i look like a zombie vampire freak. at least in photos i do (which i'm choosing not to post).

I can't keep myself from smiling each time i look in the mirror! honestly, the only issue i'm having with myself right now, is my face. I can live with myself being overweight some, and all that, but I think i need a professional makeup artist right now. But, i don't happen to have one at my disposal, so i'll make due with what i got.

I've actually set up a few rules for myself for when i come home from school. I'm giving myself 20 minutes to be "male" then after that, i'm en fem, or else. (granted i don't know what my punishment is going to be yet...) anyway, i just thought i would update you on that!

in other news though, school sucks, i'm falling way behind in all my classes because i'm either working or sleeping or relaxing. (i know i could give up my relaxation time, but if i do that, my stress level will skyrocket, dangerously)

Ok, that's all for now.

Mwah!
Danielle!

scared out of my mind because of a chapter in a book

ok, two posts in one day... meh, it's important to me, and that's all that matters

Ok, I'm reading this book called, Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher. It's a good book so far, but I just read a chapter in it that literally put fear into my own heart. Fear of it happening to me...
If you have happened to read this book, It's Chapter 28.

To keep it breif and unrevealed... Two women have been captured and are basically being "trained" to be slaves. Well, after one has been screwed by a bunch of guys, she is placed back in the holding area. The "master" was watching the entire time with the other woman telling her that that is going to happen to her. Well, the first woman, was faking fear and all that, too keep it less brutal... but then the Master dude gets this special collar out... and the first woman panics for real. To finish this real quick like, The collar is a training collar, and so long as you do what you are told, you get feelings of pleasure... but if you resist anything you are told to do, immense pain goes throughout your body... until you do what you're told.

Now, as I am reading this, I can feel anxiety building up inside of me. I can still feel that anxiety inside... and it scares me.

I am planning on becoming a woman... what if this happens to me... (i doubt it does... but still... what if)

i keep getting these images in my head of this... and feeling the fear from it all...

I am doing a lot to not cry right now... it's truly that scary for me. and i keep looking over my shoulder...

i'm scared of this.

Worse and Worse

Wow, I bet you are thinking, "damn, first she is happy, then she is sad, then she is happy again, then she is sad again" and so on...

Why do I think that? because i know that it's true. I keep doing this, I post a happy, woo hoo kind of post, then i post one like the one i am about to do. and for all of that, I apologize

Now, onto the depressing post.

Well, I made one phone call today, and it turned my day worse. Monday, is really when this horrible week started.

On Monday, I got this letter from my college, telling me I owe them 500 some odd dollars! I thought it was a mistake and so I took it to an Advisor and they told me to go and talk with the business office. I go to the business office and they tell me i should talk to Financial Aid... So I go and talk with Financial Aid. It turns out, I have to pay that because I Dropped a course, and they had already given me my financial Aid money... Oh, and did i mention that they want me to pay them 181$ by sunday... i'm only getting about 160ish$ ... ... yeah, not fun.

Now, Today, I called (basically) the Welfare Office to see if i could get my bum into government housing, and get away from my house and whatnot... talk about your epic disasters... the only office taking any kind of application is one county over... not to mention it closes today at 4:pm... and I don't have access to a fax machine, to fax them anything anyways.

Just freaking wonderful.

so to end this,

I can't Drop out of school, for they would have me pay every penny back that i got.
I can't Stay in school, because they would make me pay every penny they are charging me
I can't Fail, for they would have me pay back every penny that i got
I can't pass, because it's all to freaking stressful to be able to do so
I can't Move out of my dad's house, because i can't afford to
AND I can't Stay living with my dad, because he can't seem to accept me for me.

UGH!!!

keeping you updated since 2008

Hey all, i know i said i would do my best to update you all at least a little bit, and i also know, that i'm not doing a very good job of that. a post now and then isn't much of an update. but i am going to continue to try to do my best with that.

anyway, i had a point to this post and it's coming up soon.

I decided to go back and read some of my past posts, just to see what all i had said, ya know? Well i read this on my last post of 2008

well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.

That last part, that i bolded is what i want you to look at. I did have plans to be so much more open about who i am, after i told my father. but when it went to hell in a handbasket, as it were, my plans for that kinda flew away. i am trying to renew that sense of self in it, but honestly, the only time i actually feel a bit more confident is when i at least have one item of feminine clothing on. easier said then done... more on that later though. it's just really hard to be yourself when you have no support system at home...

whatever.. that's what i wanted to point out specifically, now what i just want to ramble on about for a bit.

Last night, like a lot of nights, i went out to walmart around midnight or so, and walked around trying to figure out what to get... issue is, i had like 24$ in the bank... that's it. well, that gave me a big issue... here i am, a girl shopping for whatever, with barely any cash to work with. so i start browse the ladies sleepwear section, interesting things there, but nothing i could really afford, i had decided on giving myself 10 dollars, and everything was one item for 10$ and i wanted to get a set. i found some interesting things but nothing i could really use. because yet again it was one item, not 2. so i pretty much gave up on that. well just the other side of sleepwear is intimates... *wink wink*. I decided to see what i could find there, obviously they dont have any bra in the size i need, because i am such a weird size. i give up on that too.. then i turned around and my eyes lit up, i'm sure. an entire rack of sports bras they have bigger sizes, still not mine, but bigger none the less. it took me until around 12:40ish in the morning to find one i could live with, and even then it shouldn't have. the one i got was about 3 bucks cheaper then the others. well i couldn't contain my excitement to wait to put it on, i got into my car and my shirt and jacket was off in a flash! and i was trying to put this bra on, it took me a lot longer then it really should've but i got it on in the end, it was different for me, it wasn't nearly as binding and restrictive as my other bras, and it was just so much more comfy to me. it barely shows through my shirt even!

i was thinking of a way i could wear it in public, but the only thing i can think of, is well... wearing my jacket for an entire day, all zipped up, not the most comfortable thing in the world.

anyway, i'm rambling a bit to much, i'll try to close this off in just one minute.

the last thing i want to say is, when i got home and got my shirt off, i looked in the mirror, and i didn't see myself, but myself. there was a kind of femininity showing in my eyes, and i was seeing it.

whatever... oh and sorry about the post that i deleted, just in case somebody saw that, it was an accidental post of an incomplete thoughts in it. and i just didn't feel right leaving it up.

ok, i'll post something possibly later.

Toodles!

still alive, but sick.

Ok, to keep thing brief.

To start, i'm sick with some sort of flu that's going around... it sucks!

and today something amazing happened. I go to Denny's pretty often...more often then i should... anyway! So there i am eating my tiny meal and drawing in my sketch book, well this woman who was sitting in the booth across from me, gets up to leave and stops right next to my table to ask me a question (i was too enthralled in my sketch book to notice her) "Excuse me, but are you Mark and Linda's daughter?" I only said, "what" because i didn't notice her or really what she said at first. I guess she was embarrassed for mistaking me for a girl *giggles* I wasn't dressed up, down, anything. i just had my hair down, kinda framing my face, some disgusting stubble on my face, and just my regular guy clothes on. so either that woman was blind, or something inside of me was showing through while i was drawing. meh, i dunno. i just thought i would tell y'all

that's all for now, i just hope that my net stays up long enough for this to be posted now. Toodles!

*generic happy title not found*

This is the first time I've been this excited and happy in soo long.

Well, Tuesday, i realized that i needed a new pair of Drab guy shoes. So I go to wal-mart and take about 20 minutes to finally pick a pair i can live with. I then proceeded to look at the time. it was after 10pm! now, i've been in wal-mart(wally world) many times before much later then that. But not recently, with money to spare. so i meander into the ladies section of shoes, and my first instinct is to try on a pair, but because i'm just not comfy with doing that, I just browse while thinking of some sort of excuse (cuz i'm a wuss like that) just incase i get caught. well, seeing as how i didn't know my exact size, i checked out of wally world in a flash.

well, tonight, i go back into wally world nearly on a mission. I had looked online for a size measuring thing or whatever and it said i was like a 12 and a half wide in women's size. *shrug* so there i am hunting wally world's ladies shoe section, looking for at least a size 12... no luck at all. then i think Well.... i might be able to squeeze into an 11... So I find a size 11 i can live with, it's a cute wedge shoe with maybe a 1" heel on it. I buy that and a small package of Thigh High stockings *woot*. well, curiosity got the better of me by the time i made it out to my car. I get in and i just have to try it on! I nearly panicked when it fit! perfectly! Well, i just couldn't help myself (apparently I love shoes!). So putting my drab shoes back on, i go back into wally world talking to myself on my cell phone. I hunted down another pair of shoes (this time with a 3" heel, taller then i wanted but i couldn't pass it up) I also bought a shoehorn and a kinda cheesy Tinkerbell Purse of a thing. ...

I got back out to my car (probably faster then i had the first time) and almost yank my shoes off to try on the new pair! I'll admit, they are snug, but they do fit. and it is more difficult for me to walk in them then i thought it would be, but as soon as i can(sooner rather then later) i am going to be practicing walking in them. I love them soo much! At home, after my dad goes to bed, i am kicking my socks off and i am going to be putting these taller heels on!

I would be the first to admit that I don't need to be any taller, but there is just something about a good pair of high heels that makes a woman feel great! I hope that eventually i'll be able to wear them any time i want, and then after that, be able to walk in higher ones! like maybe a 4-5 incher!

that is all for now! I'll post later!... ... ... maybe...

I'm alive

Hello my dear readers

I know that my last post left some of you extremely worried about me. Trust me on that, I have the emails to prove it. *giggles* I want you all to know, I was never considering suicide. I was in a position that made me want to die, not kill myself. If death had come to me, I wouldn't have fought back though, ya know?

My father's decision to disown me when I stop being his son, is his decision and not mine. But that doesn't reduce the shock I got from it. I know somebody who was disowned by his father. He was basically blindsided by it. (is that the right word...) But for me, I know exactly when my father is going to disown me. He can live with me being his son and so long as I am his son, I am still part of the family(from his perspective). But the second, and I mean the second, I stop being a "son" to him. That's it! I am out of the family. I am no longer a *****(last name censored for my protection...sorry)****. And I will go with the 2nd middle name I had picked out for my last name. So my name in the future(i hope) will be, Danielle Hope Calypso. I know I could go with my Mom's last name, or even her maiden name, but, to be perfectly honest, I don't think she would like that. I'll have to ask her 'bout that.

Anyway, there isn't much news now... just that i really hope to one day(very soon, like before my b-day soon) move out. I have realized that I can't live with my father anymore. Period.

Oh yeah, School started up again. So for my future posts, expect a lot about the stresses of school...if I even post a lot about it...

That's about it for now...

i wish this could be a happy post

, but it can't be.

My dad, the person i thought was my hero for accepting me so well, never accepted it in the first place. He told me today, when the discussion came up, that he has lost the will to live, thanks to me. and whenever i do finally begin my transition, he is going to completely disown me, 110%. He pulled out the whole bit with God, and how God doesn't make mistakes, but when i tried to put in the chance, the bloody chance, that God purpsofully made me this way, Purposfully made me Transgendered, he wouldn't listen to me. The worst of it all is, i have no physical support now. all my friends seem to be out of reach... all of the ones i could've trusted, and the ones that i can't trust now, i'm sure are bored hoping for a phone call from somebody.

Right now, i just want to die.

The buzz

Wow, this blog is gathering a small following... it's strange for me. Usually, the things I do online or IRL go, unnoticed. It's one of the reasons I became so insecure about everything I do. But, now, there are real life people telling me such kind things. At first I thought, Oh, these people are just blowing smoke up my bum. But as I read some of the comments and read into life just a bit more, I've come to realize that not everyone in this horrible, hate-filled world are out to get me. How surprising is that?

Anyway.

At first I didn't have much of a point to this blog entry, but as I started writing it I thought of a few things, more self-reflections then anything.

I started thinking about some *cough* not all, of the blogs I follow. Thinking about how far along some of these beautiful women are in their transition. And thinking of the extremely difficult task of getting even remotely close to where they are. I don't know how these girls are doing it. Government Grant? Insurance? Long time saving up money? What? And with that, I wonder, How am I going to do this? How am I going to get the money to go 70 some odd miles away to see a specialist who focuses in Transgendered people? How am I going to get the money to afford any of the things needed for my Transition? New Wardrobe, Hormones, any surgeries, repairs from haters. There isn't a Transgendered community where I live. At least nothing publicly known. So I can't even get the basic knowledge from people who have gone or are going to go through the same exact thing I will be going through... someday.

With that thought, I will finish this up... I may post again later today, I may not. *shrugs* Who knows?

w00t!

Today went so well, it was actually the best day i've had in months!
I've actually been happy all day today.

What pretty much happened was me and my dad went into my counselors office, they gabbed for a few, after a brief intro to something that may come as a shock, i said "Dad, I'm transgendered." But it wasn't a shock to him, I think he knew the entire time.

For anyone seeing a counselor who really wants to tell somebody in your family, but doesn't know how they will react and is afraid of that possibility of a bad reaction. Take that person in to see your counselor. If you live with that person, just say that your counselor wants to see them to talk about things going on around the house. Take that person in, and don't hesitate when you tell them!

I feel as though a 2 ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders! and I just feel so phenomenally good!

Let me also say this, i nearly cried when my dad was taking this shocking news so wonderfully. the only reason i didn't is because I hate it when people see me crying. i really do.

That is all for now, loves! I'll, hopefully, be posting soon about how things go tomorrow night at an old friends house...

The day

Today is the day that could make my life wonderful or horrible.

Today is the day that I tell my 70 year old father that I am transgendered. If I don't post how things went by tonight or early tomorrow morning it means it went bad. Really really bad. Otherwise I am 100% certain I will let everyone know how it went.

Gaining my fathers acceptance will be one of the biggest steps in my transgendered life. other then getting on Hormones...eventually. *giggles*

Wish me luck for today.