Let me start off by saying right now, i feel extremely beautiful!
I have the house to myself for the next 3 days! My father is off watching over my 96 year old grandmother. she had a fall... and i'm praying for her.
Anyway! Since i have school, i obvously can't dress pretty all the time, but once i'm out of school for the day, and i get home...! I get to dress up! and feel wonderful! i'm even giving myself a chance to play a little with makeup! I just wish i had somebody to teach me how. mainly because right now i look like a zombie vampire freak. at least in photos i do (which i'm choosing not to post).
I can't keep myself from smiling each time i look in the mirror! honestly, the only issue i'm having with myself right now, is my face. I can live with myself being overweight some, and all that, but I think i need a professional makeup artist right now. But, i don't happen to have one at my disposal, so i'll make due with what i got.
I've actually set up a few rules for myself for when i come home from school. I'm giving myself 20 minutes to be "male" then after that, i'm en fem, or else. (granted i don't know what my punishment is going to be yet...) anyway, i just thought i would update you on that!
in other news though, school sucks, i'm falling way behind in all my classes because i'm either working or sleeping or relaxing. (i know i could give up my relaxation time, but if i do that, my stress level will skyrocket, dangerously)
Ok, that's all for now.
Mwah!
Danielle!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
scared out of my mind because of a chapter in a book
ok, two posts in one day... meh, it's important to me, and that's all that matters
Ok, I'm reading this book called, Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher. It's a good book so far, but I just read a chapter in it that literally put fear into my own heart. Fear of it happening to me...
If you have happened to read this book, It's Chapter 28.
To keep it breif and unrevealed... Two women have been captured and are basically being "trained" to be slaves. Well, after one has been screwed by a bunch of guys, she is placed back in the holding area. The "master" was watching the entire time with the other woman telling her that that is going to happen to her. Well, the first woman, was faking fear and all that, too keep it less brutal... but then the Master dude gets this special collar out... and the first woman panics for real. To finish this real quick like, The collar is a training collar, and so long as you do what you are told, you get feelings of pleasure... but if you resist anything you are told to do, immense pain goes throughout your body... until you do what you're told.
Now, as I am reading this, I can feel anxiety building up inside of me. I can still feel that anxiety inside... and it scares me.
I am planning on becoming a woman... what if this happens to me... (i doubt it does... but still... what if)
i keep getting these images in my head of this... and feeling the fear from it all...
I am doing a lot to not cry right now... it's truly that scary for me. and i keep looking over my shoulder...
i'm scared of this.
Ok, I'm reading this book called, Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher. It's a good book so far, but I just read a chapter in it that literally put fear into my own heart. Fear of it happening to me...
If you have happened to read this book, It's Chapter 28.
To keep it breif and unrevealed... Two women have been captured and are basically being "trained" to be slaves. Well, after one has been screwed by a bunch of guys, she is placed back in the holding area. The "master" was watching the entire time with the other woman telling her that that is going to happen to her. Well, the first woman, was faking fear and all that, too keep it less brutal... but then the Master dude gets this special collar out... and the first woman panics for real. To finish this real quick like, The collar is a training collar, and so long as you do what you are told, you get feelings of pleasure... but if you resist anything you are told to do, immense pain goes throughout your body... until you do what you're told.
Now, as I am reading this, I can feel anxiety building up inside of me. I can still feel that anxiety inside... and it scares me.
I am planning on becoming a woman... what if this happens to me... (i doubt it does... but still... what if)
i keep getting these images in my head of this... and feeling the fear from it all...
I am doing a lot to not cry right now... it's truly that scary for me. and i keep looking over my shoulder...
i'm scared of this.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Worse and Worse
Wow, I bet you are thinking, "damn, first she is happy, then she is sad, then she is happy again, then she is sad again" and so on...
Why do I think that? because i know that it's true. I keep doing this, I post a happy, woo hoo kind of post, then i post one like the one i am about to do. and for all of that, I apologize
Now, onto the depressing post.
Well, I made one phone call today, and it turned my day worse. Monday, is really when this horrible week started.
On Monday, I got this letter from my college, telling me I owe them 500 some odd dollars! I thought it was a mistake and so I took it to an Advisor and they told me to go and talk with the business office. I go to the business office and they tell me i should talk to Financial Aid... So I go and talk with Financial Aid. It turns out, I have to pay that because I Dropped a course, and they had already given me my financial Aid money... Oh, and did i mention that they want me to pay them 181$ by sunday... i'm only getting about 160ish$ ... ... yeah, not fun.
Now, Today, I called (basically) the Welfare Office to see if i could get my bum into government housing, and get away from my house and whatnot... talk about your epic disasters... the only office taking any kind of application is one county over... not to mention it closes today at 4:pm... and I don't have access to a fax machine, to fax them anything anyways.
Just freaking wonderful.
so to end this,
I can't Drop out of school, for they would have me pay every penny back that i got.
I can't Stay in school, because they would make me pay every penny they are charging me
I can't Fail, for they would have me pay back every penny that i got
I can't pass, because it's all to freaking stressful to be able to do so
I can't Move out of my dad's house, because i can't afford to
AND I can't Stay living with my dad, because he can't seem to accept me for me.
UGH!!!
Why do I think that? because i know that it's true. I keep doing this, I post a happy, woo hoo kind of post, then i post one like the one i am about to do. and for all of that, I apologize
Now, onto the depressing post.
Well, I made one phone call today, and it turned my day worse. Monday, is really when this horrible week started.
On Monday, I got this letter from my college, telling me I owe them 500 some odd dollars! I thought it was a mistake and so I took it to an Advisor and they told me to go and talk with the business office. I go to the business office and they tell me i should talk to Financial Aid... So I go and talk with Financial Aid. It turns out, I have to pay that because I Dropped a course, and they had already given me my financial Aid money... Oh, and did i mention that they want me to pay them 181$ by sunday... i'm only getting about 160ish$ ... ... yeah, not fun.
Now, Today, I called (basically) the Welfare Office to see if i could get my bum into government housing, and get away from my house and whatnot... talk about your epic disasters... the only office taking any kind of application is one county over... not to mention it closes today at 4:pm... and I don't have access to a fax machine, to fax them anything anyways.
Just freaking wonderful.
so to end this,
I can't Drop out of school, for they would have me pay every penny back that i got.
I can't Stay in school, because they would make me pay every penny they are charging me
I can't Fail, for they would have me pay back every penny that i got
I can't pass, because it's all to freaking stressful to be able to do so
I can't Move out of my dad's house, because i can't afford to
AND I can't Stay living with my dad, because he can't seem to accept me for me.
UGH!!!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
keeping you updated since 2008
Hey all, i know i said i would do my best to update you all at least a little bit, and i also know, that i'm not doing a very good job of that. a post now and then isn't much of an update. but i am going to continue to try to do my best with that.
anyway, i had a point to this post and it's coming up soon.
I decided to go back and read some of my past posts, just to see what all i had said, ya know? Well i read this on my last post of 2008
That last part, that i bolded is what i want you to look at. I did have plans to be so much more open about who i am, after i told my father. but when it went to hell in a handbasket, as it were, my plans for that kinda flew away. i am trying to renew that sense of self in it, but honestly, the only time i actually feel a bit more confident is when i at least have one item of feminine clothing on. easier said then done... more on that later though. it's just really hard to be yourself when you have no support system at home...
whatever.. that's what i wanted to point out specifically, now what i just want to ramble on about for a bit.
Last night, like a lot of nights, i went out to walmart around midnight or so, and walked around trying to figure out what to get... issue is, i had like 24$ in the bank... that's it. well, that gave me a big issue... here i am, a girl shopping for whatever, with barely any cash to work with. so i start browse the ladies sleepwear section, interesting things there, but nothing i could really afford, i had decided on giving myself 10 dollars, and everything was one item for 10$ and i wanted to get a set. i found some interesting things but nothing i could really use. because yet again it was one item, not 2. so i pretty much gave up on that. well just the other side of sleepwear is intimates... *wink wink*. I decided to see what i could find there, obviously they dont have any bra in the size i need, because i am such a weird size. i give up on that too.. then i turned around and my eyes lit up, i'm sure. an entire rack of sports bras they have bigger sizes, still not mine, but bigger none the less. it took me until around 12:40ish in the morning to find one i could live with, and even then it shouldn't have. the one i got was about 3 bucks cheaper then the others. well i couldn't contain my excitement to wait to put it on, i got into my car and my shirt and jacket was off in a flash! and i was trying to put this bra on, it took me a lot longer then it really should've but i got it on in the end, it was different for me, it wasn't nearly as binding and restrictive as my other bras, and it was just so much more comfy to me. it barely shows through my shirt even!
i was thinking of a way i could wear it in public, but the only thing i can think of, is well... wearing my jacket for an entire day, all zipped up, not the most comfortable thing in the world.
anyway, i'm rambling a bit to much, i'll try to close this off in just one minute.
the last thing i want to say is, when i got home and got my shirt off, i looked in the mirror, and i didn't see myself, but myself. there was a kind of femininity showing in my eyes, and i was seeing it.
whatever... oh and sorry about the post that i deleted, just in case somebody saw that, it was an accidental post of an incomplete thoughts in it. and i just didn't feel right leaving it up.
ok, i'll post something possibly later.
Toodles!
anyway, i had a point to this post and it's coming up soon.
I decided to go back and read some of my past posts, just to see what all i had said, ya know? Well i read this on my last post of 2008
well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.
That last part, that i bolded is what i want you to look at. I did have plans to be so much more open about who i am, after i told my father. but when it went to hell in a handbasket, as it were, my plans for that kinda flew away. i am trying to renew that sense of self in it, but honestly, the only time i actually feel a bit more confident is when i at least have one item of feminine clothing on. easier said then done... more on that later though. it's just really hard to be yourself when you have no support system at home...
whatever.. that's what i wanted to point out specifically, now what i just want to ramble on about for a bit.
Last night, like a lot of nights, i went out to walmart around midnight or so, and walked around trying to figure out what to get... issue is, i had like 24$ in the bank... that's it. well, that gave me a big issue... here i am, a girl shopping for whatever, with barely any cash to work with. so i start browse the ladies sleepwear section, interesting things there, but nothing i could really afford, i had decided on giving myself 10 dollars, and everything was one item for 10$ and i wanted to get a set. i found some interesting things but nothing i could really use. because yet again it was one item, not 2. so i pretty much gave up on that. well just the other side of sleepwear is intimates... *wink wink*. I decided to see what i could find there, obviously they dont have any bra in the size i need, because i am such a weird size. i give up on that too.. then i turned around and my eyes lit up, i'm sure. an entire rack of sports bras they have bigger sizes, still not mine, but bigger none the less. it took me until around 12:40ish in the morning to find one i could live with, and even then it shouldn't have. the one i got was about 3 bucks cheaper then the others. well i couldn't contain my excitement to wait to put it on, i got into my car and my shirt and jacket was off in a flash! and i was trying to put this bra on, it took me a lot longer then it really should've but i got it on in the end, it was different for me, it wasn't nearly as binding and restrictive as my other bras, and it was just so much more comfy to me. it barely shows through my shirt even!
i was thinking of a way i could wear it in public, but the only thing i can think of, is well... wearing my jacket for an entire day, all zipped up, not the most comfortable thing in the world.
anyway, i'm rambling a bit to much, i'll try to close this off in just one minute.
the last thing i want to say is, when i got home and got my shirt off, i looked in the mirror, and i didn't see myself, but myself. there was a kind of femininity showing in my eyes, and i was seeing it.
whatever... oh and sorry about the post that i deleted, just in case somebody saw that, it was an accidental post of an incomplete thoughts in it. and i just didn't feel right leaving it up.
ok, i'll post something possibly later.
Toodles!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
still alive, but sick.
Ok, to keep thing brief.
To start, i'm sick with some sort of flu that's going around... it sucks!
and today something amazing happened. I go to Denny's pretty often...more often then i should... anyway! So there i am eating my tiny meal and drawing in my sketch book, well this woman who was sitting in the booth across from me, gets up to leave and stops right next to my table to ask me a question (i was too enthralled in my sketch book to notice her) "Excuse me, but are you Mark and Linda's daughter?" I only said, "what" because i didn't notice her or really what she said at first. I guess she was embarrassed for mistaking me for a girl *giggles* I wasn't dressed up, down, anything. i just had my hair down, kinda framing my face, some disgusting stubble on my face, and just my regular guy clothes on. so either that woman was blind, or something inside of me was showing through while i was drawing. meh, i dunno. i just thought i would tell y'all
that's all for now, i just hope that my net stays up long enough for this to be posted now. Toodles!
To start, i'm sick with some sort of flu that's going around... it sucks!
and today something amazing happened. I go to Denny's pretty often...more often then i should... anyway! So there i am eating my tiny meal and drawing in my sketch book, well this woman who was sitting in the booth across from me, gets up to leave and stops right next to my table to ask me a question (i was too enthralled in my sketch book to notice her) "Excuse me, but are you Mark and Linda's daughter?" I only said, "what" because i didn't notice her or really what she said at first. I guess she was embarrassed for mistaking me for a girl *giggles* I wasn't dressed up, down, anything. i just had my hair down, kinda framing my face, some disgusting stubble on my face, and just my regular guy clothes on. so either that woman was blind, or something inside of me was showing through while i was drawing. meh, i dunno. i just thought i would tell y'all
that's all for now, i just hope that my net stays up long enough for this to be posted now. Toodles!
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