Saturday, February 7, 2009

keeping you updated since 2008

Hey all, i know i said i would do my best to update you all at least a little bit, and i also know, that i'm not doing a very good job of that. a post now and then isn't much of an update. but i am going to continue to try to do my best with that.

anyway, i had a point to this post and it's coming up soon.

I decided to go back and read some of my past posts, just to see what all i had said, ya know? Well i read this on my last post of 2008

well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.

That last part, that i bolded is what i want you to look at. I did have plans to be so much more open about who i am, after i told my father. but when it went to hell in a handbasket, as it were, my plans for that kinda flew away. i am trying to renew that sense of self in it, but honestly, the only time i actually feel a bit more confident is when i at least have one item of feminine clothing on. easier said then done... more on that later though. it's just really hard to be yourself when you have no support system at home...

whatever.. that's what i wanted to point out specifically, now what i just want to ramble on about for a bit.

Last night, like a lot of nights, i went out to walmart around midnight or so, and walked around trying to figure out what to get... issue is, i had like 24$ in the bank... that's it. well, that gave me a big issue... here i am, a girl shopping for whatever, with barely any cash to work with. so i start browse the ladies sleepwear section, interesting things there, but nothing i could really afford, i had decided on giving myself 10 dollars, and everything was one item for 10$ and i wanted to get a set. i found some interesting things but nothing i could really use. because yet again it was one item, not 2. so i pretty much gave up on that. well just the other side of sleepwear is intimates... *wink wink*. I decided to see what i could find there, obviously they dont have any bra in the size i need, because i am such a weird size. i give up on that too.. then i turned around and my eyes lit up, i'm sure. an entire rack of sports bras they have bigger sizes, still not mine, but bigger none the less. it took me until around 12:40ish in the morning to find one i could live with, and even then it shouldn't have. the one i got was about 3 bucks cheaper then the others. well i couldn't contain my excitement to wait to put it on, i got into my car and my shirt and jacket was off in a flash! and i was trying to put this bra on, it took me a lot longer then it really should've but i got it on in the end, it was different for me, it wasn't nearly as binding and restrictive as my other bras, and it was just so much more comfy to me. it barely shows through my shirt even!

i was thinking of a way i could wear it in public, but the only thing i can think of, is well... wearing my jacket for an entire day, all zipped up, not the most comfortable thing in the world.

anyway, i'm rambling a bit to much, i'll try to close this off in just one minute.

the last thing i want to say is, when i got home and got my shirt off, i looked in the mirror, and i didn't see myself, but myself. there was a kind of femininity showing in my eyes, and i was seeing it.

whatever... oh and sorry about the post that i deleted, just in case somebody saw that, it was an accidental post of an incomplete thoughts in it. and i just didn't feel right leaving it up.

ok, i'll post something possibly later.


1 comment:

alan said...

Ramble all you want to...there's nothing wrong with "stream of conciousness" writing!

I wish things at home were different for you! I keep hoping that given time they will be, though I know that right now time is the one thing you feel you don't have.

'Bout time you noticed those beautiful eyes!