Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I don't know

My counselor, the other day, raised an interesting question for when i tell my father about me.

Who am I attracted to? Gender wise?

Right now, it's both. but what about after i transition?

I know that most parents would prefer to at least have a straight child... in relation to their original gender. but i really dont know what's going to happen.

I'm starting to wonder if i should, for now, lie to him about this? maybe... just maybe... i should tell him that i am attracted to women only, but i don't want to be a man. and then tell him on a later date, like maybe after i start dressing more femininely, how i am beginning to notice guys more.

there are currently certain aspects of men that, omg, is soo hot!
and there are currently aspects of women, that is extremely hot.

and, like, when i fantasize about something like a dream winter date. It's always me with a man. like, for example, around noon, we go out to lunch. I'm wearing nearly skin tight pants (i dont know why, i look horrible in them) and a good winter coat with fur around the edge of the hood and sleeves. My boots are really cute, white kinda fur like thing. Underneath my coat, i have on a kind of turtleneck sweatshirt, also white. I eat something light and he(i never know who he is, just that he is hot) has something like a hamburger or something. During lunch, we have idle chit-chat about all sorts of things. Photography, is something i bring up all the time. and i talk about some shoots i did recently. After lunch when it's time to go, i put my coat back on, and after he pays for the food, we take off, but not for either of our homes. towards the park! ( i dont know what town we are in but it offers carriage rides year round) He planned a carriage ride around the park!
So, i get in the carriage, and he is quick to follow me, after we got started i noticed a chill running through me. He sees me shiver a little and places his arm around me and pulls me close! I get warm quickly from that. and during the entire ride, not a word is said, he just holds me nice and close, and i feel secure. When the ride is done, it's only around 2ish so we go to a museum, and wander the halls there for a hour or 2. we discuss certain things about how gender is this and that, and how certain aspects of certain works of art is good or bad. and so on.
After that. he decided to take me ice skating, i'm not even going to say how many times i feel on my bum. well it was beginning to get dark and since we walked everywhere all day long, and it was snowing all day long as well (cars couldn't drive around) and I lived closer to where we currently were.
After we got to where i lived, i decided to start a fire in the fireplace and put on some hot water for hot chocolate! so yummy! after the fire gets going i bring the hot chocolate and we pretty much curl up next to this fire and he just holds me again.

Ok, long as hell, i know and i also know it's a big cliche but i can't help my mind.
i only put this because i wanted a record for myself more then anything.

and the point of all that was showing what was in my mind for my future. Men! or at least a Man. Sorry for the length of it all.

Do you have any suggestions for me? know that my father is very old fashioned


alan said...

You have a very long life ahead of you in which to worry about this; declaring anything you don't have to is only one more way to "draw a line in the sand" that you might have to step over at some point. Why?

I've always thought most people are "bi" until society forces them to "go" one way or the other. One of my favorite comments on all of this was by Sophie B. Hawkins when she said she wasn't gay, bi or hetero, she was "omni" sexual.

In my own life, I was always attracted to people rather than "their packaging"...(that's not saying that a nice package doesn't catch my eye). Though I've been married for 32 years, most of it "behaving", should I be single tomorrow I have no doubt I would be and "equal opportunity" dater again.

Your winter dream date sounds lovely! I hope it comes true!

And in case I don't "catch up" with you again before the holidays, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years!


Ashley M. Wells said...

Perhaps its a no brainer, but just make sure that you date both men and women before getting tied down to one person. Otherwise your curiosity and feelings of regret for trying both might wear you down. Sorry that's all my advice.