Monday, December 29, 2008

Year in review, sorta

2nd semester of college, fun all in all, made a great friend or 2.
(ok, my exact memory of school is really really bad, i'm sorry.)anyway, throughout the second semester of college I realized that i had a really good friend. or two...
near the end of that semester, sometime in late april or early may, i finally connected my crossdressing with being completly different then most people, with being transgendered.

i noticed differences with my body, and it was getting me extremely depressed, i was failing some of my classes, and so on. well, that got me thinking, why am i different then most people. OH, that's right i have something, down there, that doesn't belong! yeah, i felt wrong in my own body, but i had nobody in the world i could talk with. not my friends, not my family, nobody!

Well, one day, my friend, noticed how depressed i was, and started probing me on what it was. it took a few hours for her to figure it out but she did, and she took it very well, considering she was Christian, and followed God's teachings.

It turned out though, that she wasn't the only one worried about me. My english Teacher was too, because it was my second time taking the course and i was failing it too! she suggested i go to somebody on campus to talk about my issues or to get somewhere and talk about my issues. Well i went to him, and he suggest a counseling center. Problem! it would take 4 weeks or so just to be screened! BUT! they have crisis counselors, and while i couldn't open up to him, i did get suggested to my current counselor.

well, that summer, I was put in a difficult situation. My friend was working and so i couldn't really talk with her, and since i only saw my counselor once a week, that wasn't too helpful. and that was the first time i was extremely serious about killing myself. simply because how alone i felt. When i finally talked with my friend about this, she helped me and pulled me out of this hate.

then on my birthday, it happened again! and my friend pulled me out of it, again! she was at this time, my best friend. and i loved her like a sister. but something was changing in her, she pretty much grew distant from everyone.

well, when school started back up again in the fall, i realized that my best friend wasn't much of a friend anymore. i didn't understand what it was nor did i understand why she was doing the things she was doing. but whatever.

and i was having trouble with only one friend. luckily, i was on the fast track to trusting a few people. ^_^ I told my sister, i told my brother, i told my mother, and i even told people outside my family! and each time i told people that i was transgendered, i felt better! and more comfortable.

well as this past semester went on, i got depressed, i was losing my best friend. and that was one thing i didn't want. that and i was hating my body more and more. this depression was worse though because i was actually failing my classes! that's not something i usually do!

well late november, i lost my faith with God, and i not only blamed my best friend for this, i blamed her family, the church, my family, heck i probably blamed the world at that point. well, it was then that my best friend, the person i loved like a fucking sister, Gave up on me! I have been trying to figure out why she did this for the past month now, and i still don't fucking know!

well, then on the 4th of December, a person i knew committed suicide. you wanna talk about something hard to understand, try to figure out why a person committed suicide, when you barely knew them. trust me, it's tough!

well, in the past few weeks i have regained my faith, and made a few more friends. I have even made plans on telling my father that i am Transgendered. i'm doing that on the 8th. and then i am going to be very open about it with people. I'm not going to hide it anymore after that.

Since today is December 31st, i would like to say, Happy New Years to all of you out there who were willing to read through this jumbled mess that has been my year.

Oh, and please wish me luck when i tell my dad about me! i think he is going to have a hard time with it. so any advice would be awesome as well. I really don't know how i'm going to tell him. and right now, i'm going to just come out and tell him.


alan said...

My fingers are crossed for you to have good luck with your Dad. I wish I had something I could say that will make it easier for either of you, but the best thing you could have possibly done you already have when you talked to your Mom and the rest of your family. With them on your side and being understanding, if he takes it badly then perhaps he will see that they aren't and realize that you are still the same soul he has always loved!

Friends are different; at 53 I know that the ones that really stick with you through a lifetime are very very rare indeed. You can't let her make you feel undeserving of friendship or love, because you aren't. The problem is hers, not yours and it is she who will have to change it!

Someone I thought very cynical when I was in my 20's told me that if on my deathbed I needed the fingers of more than one hand to count my true friends, I'd have lived a very full life. So far, I'm not approaching a handful yet...

I hope the New Year brings you much Happiness and Joy and success in life!

Happy New Year!


Ranko said...

Heh...not really a great time to find the nerve to talk to someone like me I suppose. But I do wish you luck on telling your dad. and...either way you are you no one else is capable of telling you which way is right to live.

We are almost the same age and I definitely know what you're going through. I know the scary feeling in your chest at just the thought of telling your dad. and let me say you are very brave compared to me.

I don't have advice (being as I'm too chicken to tell mine..the rest of my immediate family knows ..and we'll just say that didn't turn out as well as one hopes.)but that's basically your last obstacle to being on the path to personal happiness right? Its sounds worth it to me.

I really just want to show my support and whatever happens I'm here if you need someone. or if you just feel like talking.

again good luck!